Quotes Maybe Worth a Repeat

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.”
“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”
“He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.”
-Douglas Adams

“In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupidity.” -Konrad Adenauer

“Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.” -Fred Allen

“When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.” -Gracie Allen

“By the time I’d grown up, I naturally supposed that I’d be grown up.” -Eve Babitz

“The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He’ll now be known as the Lord of the Flies.” -Ronnie Barker

“I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.” -Dave Barry

“If all the world’s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.” -Paul Beatty

“A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.”
“Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.”
“There are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don’t.”
-Robert Benchley

“My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”

“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.”
-Milton Berle

“All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusion is called a philosopher.” -Ambrose Bierce

“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
“We must laugh at man to avoid crying for him.”
-Napoleon Bonaparte

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.” -George Carlin

“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”
“Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.”
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
-Winston Churchill

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” -Tom Clancy

“We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?” -Jean Cocteau

“Old McDonald was dyslexic, E-O-I-O-E.”
-Billy Connolly

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.” -Rodney Dangerfield

“It may be true that you can’t fool all the people all the time, but you can fool enough of them to rule a large country.” -Will Durant (Is this funny – or sad? -Ed.)

“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” -Sam Ewing

“The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.” -Marty Feldman

“Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.” -Jim Fiebig

“Men love war because it allows them to look serious. Because it is the one thing that stops women laughing at them.” -John Fowles

“If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” -Benjamin Franklin

“If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush…” -Dawn French

“If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.” -George Gobal

“Let’s have some new cliches.”
“Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.”
“Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.”
-Samuel Goldwyn

“It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are.” -Clive James

“Juries scare me. I don’t want to put my faith in twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” -Monica Piper

“Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.” -Terry Pratchett

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” -Lily Tomlin

“Never put off until tomorrow that which can be done the day after tomorrow.”
-Mark Twain

“Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.” -Voltaire, on his deathbed, in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan

“Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.” -Charlotte Whitton

“If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”
-Steven Wright

“As a final incentive before giving up a difficult task, try to imagine it successfully accomplished by someone you violently dislike.” -K. Zenios

The Roman Rule: “The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.”
Kovac’s Conundrum: “When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.”
Bocklage’s Law: “The one who laughs last probably didn’t get the joke.”

Walton’s Law of Politics: “A fool and his money are soon elected.”

1 Response to Quotes Maybe Worth a Repeat

  1. Pingback: i hate you quotes

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