SUGGESTED COURSE FOR TRUMP UNIVERSITY FOR THE YEAR 2018
(Rumours that Trump University is finished are based on alternative facts)
Course Name: BECOMING THE BEST-EVER PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES 101 Sub-title: WISDOM AFTER THE EVENT
SYNOPSIS OF COURSE UNITS
Unit 1: Handling the Press: For some unaccountable reason repeatedly telling reporters they are hopeless liars and idiots turns out to result in a plethora of ungrateful and anti-president negative stories. This unit puts the case for a novel future approach of talking to some of the Media as if they are almost human with feelings.
Unit 2: Handling the CIA and FBI. As explained on Twitter, these organisations are a waste of space but unfortunately coincidentally they are unexpectedly large and well organized and although Fox failed to make it clear, they also collect information about possible dangers and opportunities for the Nation at home and abroad.
For some unaccountable reason, explaining to those who collect and share such information that they are useless and not worth consulting turned out to be counter- productive in that subsequently they appear to be unfairly reluctant to share their collective knowledge with the wise and all powerful president and instead leaked the more embarrassing titbits to unreliable media like the New York Times or the Washington Post.
It turns out unbeknown to the President’s team of vastly experienced non swamp advisors (chosen from among close relatives and the decreasing pool of campaign sympathisers), it even transpired there was a precedent with President Nixon and something that happened at Watergate Hotel. As part of the new President’s bigly job creation scheme some of the aforesaid advisors are now being short-listed for alternative careers.
Unit 3: Handling Trading Partners. For some unexpected reason, abusing then threatening trade sanctions against the Mexicans for not paying for the President’s wall, despite going down well with Fox and the President’s inner circle, subsequently encountered a slight hiccup. Unexpectedly, the Mexicans who buy lots of our Corn counter-threatened they would unfairly look elsewhere e.g. Brazil for their staple food imports. The next white male soon to be chosen for chief trade advisor will be even better than the present incumbent.
Unit 4: Dealing with illegal immigrants. For some unexpected reason i.e. one not explained on Fox, it turns out that illegal immigrants provide half the farm labour in the U.S., not to mention selling most of the Tacos near Trump Tower. It turns out they are also the main source of cheap labour for building Atlantic City Casinos and an essential part of the skilled technology needed in Silicon Valley. Fox should have said! As soon as the new Secretary of Education has finished off the US bear population she will ensure the education of replacement boffins recruited in the rust belt.
Unit 5: Taxes: It turns out that those unfair taxes the rich president and his mates were asked to pay (and you can’t prove they didn’t!) were part of the income required to cover Crooked Hillary’s spiralling national debt. Wisdom after the event suggests that before announcing vast increases in military spending, building a wall along the Mexican border and the costs of rebuilding all those factories and heavy industries back on the mainland to produce admittedly more expensive goods for sale in the U.S., there should have been a few more taxes collected (but not from the rich President who would have released his tax returns if Crooked Hillary hadn’t made them disappear).
Unit 6: Dealing with China. It turns out that TPP had been partly designed to help give trade advantages to the US and block the expansion of China into the Pacific. Further, the ungrateful potential TPP partners who had been previously hoping for Trade deals with the U.S. are now exploring their trade options in China. No doubt the lying media and Crooked Hillary reminded the Chinese that they actually own most of the U.S. debt and that therefore they had the ability to crush the entire U.S. economy and even worse were capable of refusing to release much needed fashion items owned by the President’s daughter.
It also transpires that the Chinese are even worse than the President had realised and are not above cancelling their colossal annual order for Soy from the pro-Trump Mid West and then unfairly looking to Brazil for their surplus Soy instead. The President would not have cared except that Trump hats are also manufactured in China.
Unit 7: Peace and Disarmament: Once he had solved the Israel problem by encouraging Israeli settlement in Palestinian housing areas, the President had been surprised that some Muslim Palestinians failed to see the wisdom of being thrown out of their houses in the interests of peace in Israel. The next stage of solving the Middle East disputes will involve sending pointed Twitter messages which will clarify the issues for any Muslim who has bothered to learn English.
The nuclear weapons that the U.S. are now going to acquire should come in handy smashing any nation who tries to take back control of the oil which is needed for the increase of U.S. fossil fuel industry – but of course the nukes will only be used as a last resort. The buffoon with the funny haircut in charge of North Korea has the temerity to think he needs nukes. At least someone in the White House is smarter than that…Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink.
The president has already saved heaps on unnecessary disarmament conferences by the simple expedient of authorizing an all out nuclear arms race, with the aim of making US force irresistible. By reducing the U.S. funding for the United Nations the President anticipates fewer embittered nations will be able to attend U.N. meetings with their pathetic complaints.
Unit 8:The Encouragement of Learned Dependency
Learned Dependency (ie passing responsibility for self improvement to an authority figure) is of course what got the best president elected in the first place. This was successfully encouraged before the last election by the President to be, in his presenting the population with a series of intractable problems as perceived by the population at the time and offering instant simplified solutions.
In retrospect, while those who themselves had no answers of their own were attracted by the superb self-confidence of the incoming President, the lying survey companies started to convince a few turn-coat waverers that in practice the answers were beginning to fail in practice. The consequent pseudo drop in public confidence was clearly not the fault of the now elected president and the key learning is to ban biased or informed journalists from asking awkward questions. The President’s masterful treatment of pathetic commentators is expected to bear great fruit any day now.
(This is only an incomplete draft outline for this Doctoral level course which may be completed by correspondence via Twitter. To justify certificates being printed on high-grade cardboard, Word Press readers are encouraged to draft their own versions of other appropriate units to complete the course requirements)